PARIS (AP) 鈥� Even months later, the pain of losing a pet can still hit without warning.
The trigger might be noticing 鈥� again, for the umpteenth time 鈥� how empty the house feels since your cat died, without the pitter-patter of padded paws. Or stumbling across the leash of the dog you lost and remembering how it used to set off tail-wagging glee.
Grieving owners can feel doubly lonesome if the humans in their lives don鈥檛 quite know how to help, perhaps because they鈥檝e not themselves or feel awkward around grief.
How can owners and their friends with pet bereavement? Experts in pet loss offer these ideas:
Recognize that feeling awful is normal
For some grieving owners, pet loss can feel worse than a human death. That doesn鈥檛 make them monsters. Instead, it reflects the potential depths of human-animal bonds.
For some people, a pet is their most important relationship, 鈥渢he being that they see every single day, that maybe sleeps on their bed, that they cuddle with on the couch,鈥� says E.B. Bartels, author of 鈥� ."
"There are people who feel more comfortable with animals than with people," she adds. "So losing those relationships can be really, really difficult.鈥�
Offer a sympathetic ear
People who haven鈥檛 experienced pet love may struggle to understand what it鈥檚 like to lose it. They may think they are being helpful by saying, 鈥淚t was just an animal,鈥� or 鈥淭hey were lucky to have such a loving owner.鈥� But pat phrases, no matter how well-meaning, can make grieving owners clam up and feel alone.
鈥淵ou feel like you can鈥檛 talk about it because people aren鈥檛 really empathizing,鈥� says Annalisa de Carteret, who manages a telephone helpline and other pet-loss support services for Blue Cross, a U.K. animal welfare charity.
鈥淛ust allow that person to talk about how they鈥檙e feeling, and you don鈥檛 need to comment,鈥� she says.
Avoid clich茅s like, "'Oh, you can get another pet' or 鈥楬e had a good life, he was a good age,鈥欌�� she says. For the owner, 鈥渢hat doesn鈥檛 make you feel any better, because you knew all of those things. You just feel sad and just want someone to listen and to understand.鈥�
Bonds can run deep with any kind of animal
Another tip: Don鈥檛 assume that an owner鈥檚 grief is commensurate with the size or type of animal they lost, or the length of time they had them. The death of , can be as painful for some people as losing the cutest of fur balls for others.
鈥淢y friend鈥檚 dad has a koi pond and he loves these koi. And he was so upset when a raccoon got in and killed all his koi one summer,鈥� Bartels says. 鈥淪ome people would be like, 鈥極h, they鈥檙e just fish.鈥� But he loved these fish, you know?鈥�
She suggests that friends can offer practical help: A grieving owner who no longer has a four-legged reason to leave the house might appreciate the offer of a walk with a two-legged companion.
鈥淧eople can really feel they lose their community,鈥� Bartels says. 鈥淚n the morning you get up, you bring your dog to the dog park and you get to know the group of people who are there every morning really well. And that鈥檚 your social community. And so then if you lose your reason for going ... you鈥檝e lost a lot more than just a dog.鈥�
Guilt often compounds pet loss
Up to 30,000 people contact Blue Cross each year for . Many aren鈥檛 simply sad but also are fearful that they may somehow have been responsible for their animal鈥檚 death or disappearance, de Carteret says.
鈥淕uilt is a really big part of pet loss,鈥� she says.
鈥淭hey maybe think, 鈥極h, if I鈥檇 done something differently, maybe they鈥檇 have stayed alive a little bit longer,鈥� or if they were stolen: 鈥業f I didn鈥檛 put them in the garden.鈥� Or, 鈥榃hat could I have done differently to change the inevitable?鈥欌��
For bereaved owners who feel more upset about the loss of a pet than about a family member, that can trigger more guilt, de Carteret adds.
鈥淚t鈥檚 really normal,鈥� she says. But 鈥渋t feels wrong to say, doesn鈥檛 it? And people don鈥檛 want to share that.鈥�
Can a new pet help ?
Possibly. But it's not a magic bullet. Each animal has its own personality and a new one won't necessarily fill the void left by another. And if your previous pet was full-grown, you may no longer have the patience for kittens' litters or puppy-training again.
Bottom line: Grieving can't be truncated. The sadness and memories can be lasting.
Bartels lost her dog, Seymour, last June.
鈥淚鈥檓 sure I鈥檒l have a hard time again in June when it鈥檚 the year anniversary of when we put him down,鈥� she says.
De Carteret keeps her dog's ashes by her fireplace, which was his favorite place to sit.
鈥淪ome people will think that's weird,鈥� she says. "But, you know, that鈥檚 how I deal with it ... You have to find the right way for you.鈥�
John Leicester, The Associated Press
