Sibling relationships can be complicated already 鈥� after a messy inheritance, they can get worse.
Josh Sheluk's best advice to parents is to make their estate plans simple and transparent, and to communicate them clearly. But that鈥檚 an ideal scenario and not necessarily the norm, said the portfolio manager for Verecan Capital Management.
鈥淟et me start with saying this: roughly half of adults in North America don鈥檛 have a will,鈥� Sheluk said. 鈥淥f the half that do have a will, I鈥檇 say there鈥檚 probably a roughly even split between ones that go very, very well, and ones that have some complications or issues associated with them.
鈥淭here are often, way too often, surprises along the way or complications that arise,鈥� he added.
Since parents are in control of the process, children might be left in the dark and potentially picking up the pieces during an emotional aftermath. The best bet for siblings is to communicate with each other 鈥� if the parents haven鈥檛 done so 鈥� especially if one child has more information.
鈥淚n many situations, you might have one sibling that is the executor of the estates, and the other is not,鈥� Sheluk said. 鈥淪o just being transparent 鈥� that other sibling is not going to have access to the same information as the individual who鈥檚 the executor.
鈥淗aving that executor lay things out in a very transparent way, communicating along the way, showing the other beneficiaries. Saying: 鈥楬ere is what assets exist. Here鈥檚 where we are in the process. Here鈥檚 the tax bills that need to get paid.鈥欌��
With rare exceptions, all of this information should be legally shareable. Patience with the process and each other is also a wise practice, Sheluk added, as sometimes it takes years to settle an estate.
Not all siblings get along, however, said Tracey McLennan, director of the client consultation group at Edward Jones Canada. There could be childhood dynamics and resentment that has lasted into adulthood which might come into play within the will. Siblings may even be estranged.
鈥淚 think that there鈥檚 an opportunity (to have) a bridging conversation, if you鈥檙e able to reach out and say, 鈥楬ey, I know it鈥檚 been years. I know that we鈥檝e not connected, but Mom and Dad, they鈥檙e getting a little older ... I鈥檇 really love to use this as an opportunity for us to reconnect and have some conversations,鈥欌�� McLennan said.
Reaching out may not work for every sibling, she noted, but individuals can at least keep up on their own roles and responsibilities, including seeking professional advice.
鈥淢aking sure that you鈥檙e informed, making sure you know your responsibilities, making sure that you鈥檝e got the information that you need, whether you鈥檙e executor or not executor, and attempting to get the outside assistance you may require,鈥� McLennan said.
Often, settling estates require tax, legal and financial planning advice, she added.
If there鈥檚 a vacuum of information from the parents, it may be natural for children to fill that gap with assumptions or potential reasons for decisions in the will. McLennan has seen children 鈥渂lindsided鈥� by inheritances and witnessed the aftermath as siblings blame each other.
鈥淪ometimes, if we don鈥檛 have enough information, we fill in the back story, and we might be wrong,鈥� she said. 鈥淪ometimes we take what we receive as a proxy for love: 鈥楳om loves you best. She left you the business, she left you the farm, she left you more.鈥欌��
But that鈥檚 a mistake, McLennan said, as there are many considerations that children may not realize. In her conversations with parents, they are also concerned about their children being negatively impacted by an inheritance, and they often look at other members in the family, not related by blood 鈥� such as spouses.
Ideally, parents should have communicated their intentions clearly to avoid any misunderstandings, McLennan said, but when that鈥檚 not the case, avoid the blame game, avoid relationship breakdown. Support your sibling, communicate, and keep the family together 鈥� the latter is a priority, she added.
鈥淲hen we speak with parents, actually, one of the things I often hear is, 鈥楻egardless of the wealth, regardless of what we want to have passed on, we want to make sure that our family still can get together for the holidays,鈥欌�� McLennan said. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 actually the most important thing.鈥�
Despite these sentiments, parents unfortunately might not understand how their reticence to discuss their estate plans will actually play out for their children, according to Sheluk.
鈥淚 hear a lot from parents, 鈥楳y kids get along well today, they鈥檙e going to be just fine with whatever happens in the will,'鈥� he said.
鈥淚 think that鈥檚 totally the wrong mentality and perception to have ... Money does weird things to people, especially during high-emotion times, and that can lead to your kids who have previously had a great relationship to not having a good relationship anymore.鈥�
This report by The Canadian Press was first published Jan. 7, 2025.
Nina Dragicevic, The Canadian Press
